Marrying Someone With A Child: What You Should Know

     Getting married to someone with a child is a game changer for a lot of people, only the brave can accept to walk that path. Yes, love does turn sour upon the realisation that your beau has a child, whether from a previous marriage, a failed relationship or a one-night stand. In Nigeria, the most common issue is that another child will get to inherit the firstborn right to the family fortune. The other issues that plague the intended's mind would be - being robbed of that first-time experience as parents, your honeymoon will be short-lived or non-existent, having to deal with resentment from a child who is not yours and having to maintain a relationship with the child's father or mother for the rest of your life. It is an enormous decision that does not need to be taken lightly. Many people have taken this path and regretted it, many have gone on to wreck a child's life, and others still have plotted to have the child killed or schemed out of the family inheritance. It can easily degenerate into a desperate situation.

     It does not mean that all hope is lost nor is it impossible to have a happy home with another's child. It will require lots of communication, partnership, understanding and a lot more to make it work. If you are faced with making this decision, read through so you can arm yourself with knowledge, discuss adequately with your intended and work out modalities for handling issues with will arise.

Facts you should know:

• It is not the child's fault and he/she should not be held responsible or made to bear the brunt for being in that situation. No child asked to be born and tossed in between the parents.
• Children can scheme you out of their parent's life if they do not want you around. They may not be willing to share their parent's love with you and being naturally selfish, they want you out of the way. Though this may vary according to age and maturity, the motive remains the same.
• You cannot coerce them into accepting you as their new mom or dad, that is entirely their decision to make and you cannot take the place of their parent.
• The child's other parent will remain an integral part of your life. Birthdays, graduations, and weddings will have them in your space and they may also resent you. You have to deal with it too.
• The hardest to accept is that you will not come first with your spouse but the child will and rightly so! Any parent will make their child a priority, especially in a crisis.

Preparing to marry someone who has a child

1. Tell yourself the truth

You are walking into this marriage with your eyes wide open, not in a love daze. There are some hard questions you need to ask yourself. Will you accept and love the child in question? Are you willing to deal with the possible drama with an ex and their family? Are you okay with the reality that you may be resented by the child? Are you comfortable with coming second to your spouse? These are some of the questions that will determine if you will continue with the relationship or not. No one will blame you if you decide to leave the relationship, it is a lot to handle and leaving is a lot better than regrets.

2. Things may not always go as planned

From the moment you say yes, you will find that a lot of your plans and expectations will have to be shelved especially if the child stays full-time with your spouse-to-be. Going out and having fun just the both of you may not be frequent but you may have more activities that include kids. How do you feel about this?

3. How does the child feel about you?

Have you been introduced to the child yet? If so, how did you gauge the child's reaction? In situations like this, I highly doubt that they will hide their feelings from you. Some may surprisingly get along with you, others will need a lot of work. Are you willing to put in the effort required to win them over?

4. Communication is key

You have to discuss issues and your doubts with your intended a lot of you are going to make any headway. Allow your partner to discipline the child when the need arises and not take it on yourself. Involve the child in issues that concern him/her, listen to them and learn more about them in the process.

5. Starting out with responsibilities

Marrying someone with a child means you just inherited a family and the responsibility that comes along with it full throttle, not easing gently into it. Are you okay with giving up a lot of your time and resources?

Pros and cons of marrying someone who has a child

• If you both have children, your wife most likely will not want to have any more children with you. In the case that only one person has children, he/she will want to have their own children.
• Being accepted by the child may be an issue.
• You will be marrying a partner who has had experience raising a child and this could be a plus. You will also have a view of the kind of parent he/she would make before you take the plunge.
• You have to work hard or go overboard for the child involved. Children are more perceptive than we give them credit for and will appreciate your efforts at giving them a better life and doing right by their parents.
• The partner with the child will also try harder to make the relationship work because of the need to give the child a stable home. In this case, the child brings stability to the home.
• Societal norms may affect your decision. People may refer to you as the second wife or husband or the one who birthed the second son. 
• If you are unable to work things out with your spouse's child, it may affect your own children along the way. Feelings of animosity may simmer between them.