How To Transform From A Raging Mom To A Calm Mom

     Have you ever stared at your child in utter unbelief, wondering when they went from cute and cuddly to downright annoying and you did not even get the memo? This is a very common scenario in homes with very young kids. The children are yet to understand how things work and the parents are pulling out their hair at how long it will take before the kids eventually get it.

Being a mom to toddlers can be very challenging at times but it helps to remember that things will not stay that way forever and the actions you take should always come from the place of love. Besides, our kids are growing up faster than we can keep track of. Enjoy the days that they are still dependent on you because they will go off to their own lives sooner than we would like them to.

You should keep anger at bay from your kids and home otherwise, your kids will remember you as an angry and bitter person and you will transfer your anger issues to them. That is what they saw you do and unless they realise it and break the chain, the cycle will continue. That is a very scary picture.

Why am I an angry mom?

     You will be amazed at the sheer number of mothers that struggle with anger issues, and we are not just talking about new moms but mothers with children too. So you are not alone and it is not unique to you. It does not make you a bad person either, though you feel terrible after you have yelled at your kids even though you know you should not be doing that.

As I write this article, I'm breastfeeding, my 2-month-old baby and my two-year-old boy took the occasion to pour his food on the floor and is scooping it onto the tray. Before I learnt how to stay calm, I would have screamed at him but not today. I just took a breath and allowed him to finish his food painting and he soon moved on to something else. You got this, so many of us walked this path and we are now doing better. You can be a better mom too if you are determined to. Do it for your peace of mind and your kids, they deserve better.

These are some of the reasons why you get angry:

• You inherited anger issues from your home as a child: anger was modelled to you and you are toeing the same path but you need to ask yourself a few questions. Do you remember being screamed at as a kid? How did you feel about it? How do you think your kids feel about it and you?
• You are having a stressful day and you need an outlet to release steam: tiredness and sleep deprivation are bound to take their toll in some way if you don't take some time for yourself.
• You have given all you had and need self-care: you cannot keep being a lot of things to other people without being depleted. You are only human too and need some of what you have been dishing out.
• You expect too much from your kids and yourself: kids are being who they are meant to be, and they don't understand consequences the way you do. You cannot hold that against them.
• You are too sensitive: not everything is about you, and your kid's refusal to do as asked means they have a mind of their own and not willful disobedience.

How to transform from a raging mom to a calm mom

1. Commit. Determine to be in control of your emotions and let love lead.

2. Know that the kids will keep testing you. They will keep pushing the boundaries to see how far you will let them get away with it.

3. Be consistent. You cannot say one thing today and another the next day, those boundaries are there for a reason - to protect them.

4. Forgive yourself. You are going to fall flat on your face several times on this journey, you cannot hold on to the mom's guilt. It will cripple you, talk about it, apologise for losing control and let it go.

5. Talk to someone. Talk to your friend or partner about your anger issues so they can encourage you and keep you accountable.

6. Guard your thoughts. What you allow your mind to dwell on eventually shows up in your actions. If you wallow in negativity, you will become irritable and easily angered.

7. Fill your mind with the word of God. The Psalmist said in Psalms 119:11 - Thy word has I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.

8. Live in the moment. Stop worrying about all the things that are left undone and take each day one step at a time.

9. Let your children be children. Allow them to explore their creative side in games, drawing and painting. Don't force them to grow up before their time.

10. Cut yourself some slack. Stop trying to be the perfect mom and having everything down pat, you will suffer burnout.

11. Have other interests. Learn a new skill and set more goals so that you will not always be focused on them and you will give them space to be kids.

12. Just be. Rest, breathe, sit down and put your legs up and just relax. There are other days ahead to pick up from where you left off today.

13. Own your actions. Know and accept that you are responsible for your reactions, no one made you do anything. This will give you some perspective.

14. Be mindful of the triggers. Take note of the things that set you off the edge and catch yourself before you flare up again.

15. Take a break. Have your partner, a friend or a caregiver take the kids off your hands while you rest a while and refuel.

16. Think before you speak. How will your words affect your kids? Are they kind? Are they coming from the place of love?

17. Keep God in the centre of it all. Pray, meditate on his word and practice his presence always.

18. Dance. Put on some music and dance to the beat. It's hard to dance and stay angry at the same time, it will give you some release and your kids will join in the fun.

19. Take a nap when your kids are napping. Don't rush off to chores when the children sleep, rest too.

20. Model the love of Christ. You are not perfect either and I don't hear Christ yelling down at you from heaven. 

21. Love your kids unconditionally. The warts are what makes them human just like you. Let them know that they don't have to be perfect.

22. Family traditions. Create special times and activities for you and the kids frequently and be consistent. Could be a bedtime routine or just before they leave for school.

23. Take care of yourself. Make some time to do something special for yourself, an activity that unwinds you and makes you happy. Take a walk, go shopping, read a book, whatever you like to do.

24. Reconnect with them often. Tell stories at bedtime, ask how their day was and pray with them before you retire for the night.

Q&A

How can I relax and enjoy motherhood?

     Motherhood is a rewarding experience despite the many ways it challenges and forces you to grow. Don't make the mistake of being absorbed in the not-so-easy part that you miss out on the fun, laughter, joy and innocence. You have been armed with all the ideas above so that you can relax and enjoy motherhood. Don't try to do everything at once, pick the ones that you truly enjoy and work them into your daily schedule one at a time. Write or print it out and stick it to your fridge so you can remember. I pray that your motherhood journey will be a truly amazing one. Cheers to being a calm and happy mom!