Raising children in these days of advanced research discoveries has proven to be not only more enlightening but also more challenging as issues that would most often have been taken for granted are being approached with caution. This is the age of intentional parenting, what you put in your children is what you will see in the future. There are no leaving children to chance hoping that they learn on their own as they grow.
Definition Of A Firstborn child
Firstborn children are typically the first child born into a family. Even in blended families, each parent also lays claim to his/her first child. Sometimes could even be a niece or nephew living with a new family, so long as you are the oldest child in the said home.
Some cultures do not place too much emphasis on the first child depending on the sex of the child. If the firstborn is a male, not a lot is expected of him in the areas of chores and looking after the younger siblings. This is different for female firstborns, they become like the second moms to their younger siblings.
I've seen some Facebook posts of ladies celebrating their eldest sister whom they refer to as their 'second mom.' This issue is more deeply ingrained than we know and they go on to have their kids and expect the same of them. See where this is going?
What is The 'Curse' Of The Firstborn Child
This phenomenon is so prevalent in most societies. Being the first child born into a family automatically exposes you to experiences and changes that your other siblings may not understand. I have acted or maybe said something or even made decisions that have caused people to ask, "Are you the first child?" I am not the first child, but the first daughter. This makes it even more complicated because of the expectations from a female child in most cultures of the world.
A firstborn female child is expected to grow up quickly to help take care of the younger ones, to be responsible for making the right decisions in the absence of the parents, be a pacesetter to the younger siblings, act more maturely, and the list goes on. The expectation is to be a 'perfect child.'
It is reasonable to expect your older first child to assist in some ways but there should be a limit. These expectations must be age appropriate and with the best interest of the child at heart. Riding roughshod over their needs and feelings can be more damaging than we moms realise.
Why Do Parents Expect More From Their Firstborn Children?
The high standard that is set by parents in most homes typically stems from the fact that the said parents are new to raising kids. The first child is the one who gets it harder because the parents are learning what works and what does not work. They are also yet to understand or find their parenting styles and measures for reprimanding bad behaviour.
Am I too harsh on my child? Does my child even understand what I mean? Am I getting through to my kid? These are some of the questions that well-meaning parents worry about.
As parents begin to have more children, they are less strict with the other kids because they are expecting them to follow in the footsteps of the older child. It is also expected that the older child will keep an eye on the younger sibling(s).
When we think about it, are we not expecting too much from the first child? Note the defined term - first child. He/she is still a child (the age of a person who is called a child depends on individual countries). Do we sometimes place more than is due on their tender shoulders? At what age did you learn the things you are teaching your first child?
The Ill Effects of These Expectations on Firstborn Children
The loss of their childhood. Some of them have not found appropriate ways to deal with the past and have gone on to become basket cases.
They become people pleasers as adults. Children want to please their parents and when their parents demand more than they should, they lose more of their uniqueness and become what is expected of them.
They are in danger of being easily manipulated. Not knowing yourself or losing yourself makes you want to be what anybody wants you to be. Can you imagine this child under the control of a narcissist?
Loss of their personality. Some kids have had their joy drummed out of them by constant humiliation. This begs the question, what exactly are you creating as a parent?
Anger issues and sometimes deeper psychological issues than they let on.
They stay put in situations where they should remove themselves such as depressing jobs, abusive relationships, and the like.
They give more of themselves than they receive. Ordinarily, this is not so bad if it is a loving relationship but what happens when it is not?
Why Are Firstborns Made Scapegoats For Their Siblings?
Isn't it funny how the first child is blamed for the errors of their younger sibling(s) but is not praised when the said younger ones get it right? The younger children soon understand the situation and cash in on it big time, after all, they will not receive the blame.
These firstborn children serve as some sort of punching bag (so to speak), to receive the blame for their parent's failure. Some of us parents don't want to own our actions, it's easier to blame your child for your parenting failure to make yourself feel better. How do you think this affects your child?
Some of these parents were victims themselves and were not able to escape the cycle. To put it simply, they don't know any other way.
Why Do Parents Prefer Their Youngest Child?
The first child reminds them too much of their failure unlike the youngest one with whom they have crafted a better parenting style and did it with ease. The first one was a struggle for them and a painful reminder of the early days. It makes them wonder if they got it right with you.
It is also because that is their last child, there will not be another one seeking their attention and demanding to have their needs met.
Parents are not thinking about it. That is what they saw growing up that is the trend they have continued to perpetuate.
How Can Firstborn Children Raised This Way Heal?
Talk to your parents. If they were unaware of the effects of their actions, it can be a start on your way to healing. On the other hand, if it was intentional, it may only make it worse but you will not know if you don't talk about it.
Stay away from toxic people who won't let up and keep reminding you of your pain. If it turns out that your parents resented you for whatever reason, their feelings are not likely to change. It would be in your interest to stay away as much as possible at least for the sake of your sanity.
Surround yourself with people who love and accept you.
Talk to a professional so they can help you deal with it and move on.
Love your kids and treat them better. Don't treat your kids the way you were treated, let the dysfunction end with you.
What Can New Parents Do To Change The Narrative?
If you have fallen into this trap already, you can choose to be a better mom to your child. It all begins with making a better choice.
If you are a firstborn yourself, you need to ask yourself if you liked your parent's style of parenting and if you would like to emulate them.
If you are not a firstborn, was your eldest sibling raised differently from you? How did that impact your relationship with your sister growing up? Would you like to raise your kids the same way or find out what works for your family?
Your parenting journey is an ever-changing process especially when you have more kids. Think about your corrective and reward measures, are you too hard on one and more relaxed on the other?
I would like to know what you think about this in the comments. Please like, share, pin, and tweet, thank you!
Early childhood attachment parenting
Advanced parenting skills
Principles of child health and communications development
Diploma in child psychology
Child psychology, neuroscience and development
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