Parental partiality has been a common foe in families for a long time and is occurring more frequently than we care to admit. This is carried out through comments, non-verbal behaviour and actions. Many a mother will claim to be fair to all her kids but this is usually not the case and her kids will readily not agree with her. Could it be that it is a subconscious action or an intentional one? Is it possible for a mother to treat all her children on the same basis? Let's dive more into it.
What is Parental Partiality?
Parental partiality simply put is showing preference for one child over the others. It is synonymous with favouritism. This could include the amount of time she spends with them, how she disciplines the favourite one with laxity and accords more privileges to the preferred child. This could also be referred to as the 'Golden Child Syndrome' and this may not have anything to do with the child's abilities or achievements. There are many reasons a mother has a favorite other times it sneaks up on you and you find reasons why it has to be so. With or without reasons, it is not a best practice for raising wholesome children.
What Factors Are Responsible for Moms Showing Favoritism?
There is the doppelganger factor, this is purely a matter of the genes. For the purpose of this post, a doppelganger is a child that looks like you, your spouse or reminds you of yourself. The child in question exhibits the same negative characteristics as you and reminds you of a past you are trying to forget. There is every tendency for this child to bear the brunt of your frustrations, be shamed for everything that goes wrong in the home and bears the blame for the mishaps of older siblings too! The mom in this case will tend to favor a child that has no resemblance to her. I do believe this is especially true of moms who have not owned themselves. Your mistakes, failures successes and everything else in between is what makes you, you. You wouldn't be who you are now if not for the past you are trying to blame on that child. If anything, your doppelganger should be easier to parent than the other kids because you really 'see' her. This is a gentle reminder to us moms, that this child is not us and should be allowed to live without us breathing down their necks. On the other hand, a child who is the spitting image of an estranged spouse can find himself or herself on the receiving end of unfair backlash, simply because of looks. This child is a constant reminder to the mom of her failed marriage, her pain and most times of having to take full responsibility for the child.
Another reason for having a favourite child could include gender, birth order and even looks. Gender because you prefer a male child to a female one or vice versa, birth order because the older child is more responsible and mature and looks because the child falls short in your eyes. Funny enough, the ones we moms sometimes consider as not good enough end up surprising us and in more ways than one.
Being dissatisfied with the way your life has turned out can make a mom look for an outlet to vent in a child. Some women became mothers before they were ready, some have been abandoned by their spouse, some others entered into abusive marriages because they were pregnant and others still lost a job or a lucrative opportunity while pregnant or taking care of a toddler. The list is endless. These situations are less than satisfactory but we should remember, it was really no fault of the baby. Life is unfair no doubt, but happing on your child will not change anything. It might make you feel better but in the long run, your child will move on leaving you stuck with your frustrations. Don't wait until then to take control of your life and put it back on track.
Some children are easier to get along with and this gives parents the impression that they did a good job with the one or the child represents their ideal view of a well-adjusted child. This can also cause a parent to favour her more.
Effects of Parental Partiality
Have you ever met an adult who is a people-pleaser or goes overboard in a bid to try and fit in? Being the less preferred child is largely responsible for it. A child who is largely ignored works harder to gain the approval the other sibling gets on a platter of gold and when this does not work, resorts to giving up and retreating into herself. She becomes timid, less inclined to social activities for fear of being rejected, has zero self-confidence, suffer depression and in extreme cases can result in mental disorder. This is a sad situation which could have been avoided had we been more careful with our words and actions.
How You Can Retrace Your Steps
At the heart of every good mother is the need to show all her children that she loves them all. However, a child may be more in need of the mom maybe because of a health condition forcing her to deny the others. Whatever may be the case, it is imperative that we spread the love around, and in good measure!
At the top of the list is carrying out a
self-reflection. Has any of your children tried to talk to you about it? Are you unduly demanding of one? Which of them do you spend more time with? Are you generous with your praises or do you give your favourite? Be honest with your assessment and you can also ask another adult in your home.
Take your life back and take responsibility for your actions. We have to realize that nobody made us do anything, we did those things of our own accord and what we knew at the time. It is time you get back in control of your life. You have allowed the current of life to pull you away from your goals, dreams and desires. Stop passing blames and do something about it. Learn that skill, go back to school, make that appointment to see your therapist, whatever you need to do to get moving.
Talk to your kids, they are known to be very candid. At least you can be sure of that! Ask them if they feel left out and if they think you are partial to one person. If you are guilty, apologise and promise to do better and actually keep your word.
Talk about it with your spouse. If your husband or partner is the guilty one, find a way to let him know and suggest ways he can be more inclusive of the other kids.
Check often to know who has or has not received recognition lately and when you praise them, be specific about what the child on the receiving end did. Try to also point out when one of your kids go the extra mile on a chore, it will encourage them.
Pray. Ask God to reveal those long buried issues in your heart that is causing you to lash out at your kid. Ask him to heal your heart, renew you and remind you each time you go back to your old ways. Prayers do work, believe me.
Finally, it may not always be possible to be equal in your affections because each child is different and they each have their love language, making a conscious effort is what counts. You are a fantastic mom and you are doing a great job! Thank you for reading and stop by regularly for more parenting tips. Please share and follow us on Pinterest and Facebook. Thank you.
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